A Reddit member writes:
I have a direct [report] who seems to have a very toxic husband. In my one-on-ones with her, she keeps mentioning that he doesn’t want her to work and has asked her to quit many times. When she gets his call, the guy literally yells asking her why she picked up after three rings, like real loud and she gets embarrassed because if it is quiet on the work floor everybody has heard it…
She is zealous and ready to work but easily loses focus. Every time she gets a call from her husband, I think he forces her to talk until he is done… And then she sits in the night and completes her tasks at like 1 a.m., I presume when she has her me time.
Sometimes I am forced to micromanage her on certain tasks and she gets real scared and overcompensates and delivers, but with a lot of difficulty. And when I IM her on Slack, she never responds, which means she is generally away from her computer for extended periods of time.
My manager has started to notice and if I pull the reins hard, it might make things worse for her. Please help.
Minda Zetlin responds:
This is a very tough situation. It may seem like you have to choose between being a good boss and being a good human being. But I believe that’s a false choice. The best bosses treat their employees as human beings first, especially when those employees are in trouble, as yours is.
First, as several people have noted in the comments to your post, the husband is an abuser. You may not be able to easily tell whether he is physically abusing your employee or not. Either way, his behavior certainly amounts to emotional abuse.
A job can be a lifeline for someone in an abusive relationship
It’s clear from your question that you would rather not lose this employee. And in her difficult situation, keeping her job could be a lifeline, especially if she wants to get out. That’s likely one reason her husband keeps trying to get her to quit, or to force you to fire her by preventing her from doing her job. Without her job, he’ll be able to control her even more.
You have somewhat limited options because there’s no way of knowing whether she wants to leave the relationship. One thing that might help is to offer her some resources, such as a contact at your employee assistance program or a number for a domestic violence program. Call that number yourself to get some specific advice on how best to support your employee while she deals with her situation.
This question is personal for me because, many years ago, my first husband was abusive.
I was self-employed, which made it a slightly different situation. But my clients were very supportive during that disruptive time. If you support this employee now, and especially if she does leave her husband, you will likely have her loyalty for life.