Have you ever found yourself in a tense conversation with an employee who fundamentally disagrees with a leadership decision? As a leader, navigating these moments is a critical part of the job. But in an era of increasing polarization, these discussions have become more challenging than ever.
A recent, widely circulated video shows the chief people officer at Condé Nast being confronted by workers about layoffs. The interaction quickly became awkward and unproductive. The incident is just one of many viral workplace confrontations, serving as a stark reminder of how quickly workplace disagreements can escalate. These incidents highlight a crucial question for every leader: How do you handle contentious conversations with grace and civility?
As a leader, you’re going to have to make tough calls, and not all of them are going to be popular. When this happens, you have to be able to carry out a delicate balancing act. You have to stand your ground while making workers feel their concerns are heard. You must be the one who defuses tension by modeling the civility that workplaces need to function.
The Corrosive Cost of Incivility
Incivility can be contagious. Experiencing incivility makes a person about three times more likely to commit an uncivil act of their own, according to the Q1 2025 SHRM Civility Index. This creates a destructive cycle which can poison company culture and hinder performance.
These kinds of tense office moments have a tangible financial cost. U.S. organizations collectively lose about $2.14 billion per day in reduced productivity and increased absenteeism due to incivility, according to the SHRM Q3 2025 Civility Index.
So, how can leaders foster a culture in which difficult conversations are handled constructively? It starts with a deliberate and consistent approach.
Build a Cultural Foundation
Your organization’s culture dictates how everyone handles disagreements. It’s productive to actively encourage debate and welcome diverse viewpoints during the decision-making process.
However, once a decision is made, everyone has to understand the expectation to commit and move forward as a unified team.
This framework provides clarity. It lets employees know their voices are valued while establishing a clear point where debate ends and execution begins, preventing the endless relitigation of arguments.
Master the Art of Listening
When an employee challenges you, see it as an opportunity to embody the behavior you expect from everyone in your organization.
The goal isn’t necessarily to change their mind, it’s to ensure they feel heard and respected. Practice empathetic, active listening. Let them speak without interruption.
This simple act de-escalates tension and demonstrates that you value their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. It sets the standard for how all employees should engage with one another.
Call for Openness
After you have listened, it’s your turn to guide the conversation. I’ve found one question to be incredibly powerful in these moments: “Would you be open to hearing another perspective?”
This question can fundamentally change the dynamic. If they say “yes,” you have their permission to shift from listening to explaining. You can share the context, data, and reasoning behind the organization’s decision. If they say “no,” you’ve gained valuable information: They are not interested in a good-faith dialogue, and you can choose to respectfully disengage rather than waste energy.
This approach won’t always change someone’s opinion, but it can dramatically lower the temperature of the discussion. You’ve established that discussions contain more than one viewpoint, and you’ve both agreed to hear the other person out. Now, you can build on your shared understanding.
Your Leadership Moment
Civility begins with believing there is inherent value in another person’s perspective. The ability to navigate difficult conversations with civility is a core leadership competency. By creating an environment in which employees feel safe to express themselves respectfully, you not only defuse tension but also unlock new ideas, build trust, and foster a more resilient and innovative organization.
Every contentious conversation is a leadership moment. Whether the moment creates a cascade of incivility or reinforces a culture of respect and healthy dialogue is up to you.